An edited video from T.D. Jakes’ 2017 MegaFest went viral last week. In it, Pastor John Gray of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas, is seen sharing his thoughts during the panel titled “Girl Talk” regarding a wife needing validation from her husband.
In the video, Pastor Gray gives a detailed example of a husband unexpectedly gifting his wife money to get her nails and hair done and also giving her an empty box, telling her to wear what’s inside (playfully asking her to get naked), all while Luther Vandross plays in the background.
“Every woman in here at some point wants a man to come home and say, ‘Babe, here’s a thousand dollars. Go get your nails done, get your hair done, get a pedicure, get a manicure,'” Pastor Gray said. “‘Here’s a box, open this, wear this when I get home.’ Nothing is in it. She’s like, ‘There’s nothing here.’ Exactly. ‘Have that on when I get home. The bills are paid. The kids are covered. I prayed over you. Now handle what you need to handle so we can have a nice night. Put on Luther Vandross and let’s do what we need to do!’ Because that’s what a woman wants and she should want it because God made it that way.”
Apparently, some people disagreed with the Pastor’s comments to the point that he felt unfairly judged and took to social media to clarify.
Per his Instagram post, Pastor Gray provided a brief explanation of his response on the panel and mentioned that the video was only a snippet of a longer conversation.
“My response was that wives MAY want to work, but there are times when some don’t want to HAVE to work. A [sic] a husband it is my honor to give my wife the best that I have. And most husbands would say the same,” he said. “But the point I made was clear-if you have a wife, spoil her, honor her and reverence her. And whether that’s with expressions of gifts or consistent commitment, God will bless your union. Money isn’t the deciding factor in honoring ones [sic] wife. Some women desire time spent, or dinner cooked. Other women do like gifts and that’s fine too.”
Due to Pastor Gray’s mention of God blessing a marriage, I decided to turn to the Bible to understand what exactly is said regarding how a husband should treat his wife. In case you also needed a refresher, in Ephesians 5:25-27, it says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”
Although the example that Pastor Gray shared may have seemed one-sided and a tad sexist to some, it’s just a small piece of a much larger picture. In the same book of the Bible, there’s mention of how a wife should treat her husband, as well. In Ephesians 5:33 it says, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
My interpretation of that verse was that both a man and a woman should understand the needs and wants of their partner and do what’s necessary to see them through. And outside of the Bible, research has shown that knowing your partner, including the way they express and want to show love, has led to lasting marriages.
A study completed by Cornell researcher Karl Pillemer surveyed 400 people ages 65 and older who were in a romantic relationship for 30 years or more. The data, included in Pillemer’s book, 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage, shows that thorough knowledge of a person’s spouse plays a key role in a successful marriage.
“They [respondents] strongly advise younger people to wait to marry until they have gotten to know their partner well and have a number of shared experiences,” Pillemer wrote.
But getting to know your partner is more than knowing their favorite movie or ice cream flavor. Instead, it’s truly understanding what makes them happy. One of the best ways to get to know your partner further, especially if you’re already married, is to know their love language. Would I be ecstatic if I came home to a lavish gift from my husband? Absolutely! That’s because one of my love languages is “receiving gifts.” But that’s not the case for every woman, as Pastor Gray said. If your spouse’s love language is “words of affirmation,” write notes telling them how beautiful or intelligent or appreciated they are. If it’s “acts of service,” complete a chore that you wouldn’t normally do. Spend an extra few hours a week watching a movie if they desire “quality time” and randomly embrace them when they least expect it if your spouse’s love language is “physical touch.”
A marriage requires not only love and commitment but also work in making sure that both you and your spouse’s needs are fulfilled. This work shouldn’t be a one-time thing but something put into practice continuously as it’s the gateway to a long-lasting and happy union. Even if he didn’t say it in the most polished way, I believe that’s the message Pastor Gray was trying to get across. Take care of the person you love in the ways they need and they will take care of you. Ain’t that the truth?
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