Men: How To Not Fail At The Abortion Talk

[caption id="attachment_828869" align="alignleft" width="1068"] Bigstockphoto.com/Why did you do this to me? Indignant depressed young Afro-American male in glasses trying to have conversation to his indifferent wife who cheated on him. Relationships problems and infidelity[/caption] Abortion: not a simple subject by any means. As a man, whatever your opinions on the topic may be—whether those come from a religious, political, societal or cultural standpoint—everything will change the day you find out your partner whom you love deeply has become pregnant, on accident, even though you both took all the precautions you could to prevent that. Even if you’re a man who, right now, feels certain you’d accept your partner’s decision to abort a fetus, when faced with that decision, you may be shocked by the thoughts and emotions stirring up inside of you. But one thing is for certain; whatever fear you’re feeling when the topic comes up, your partner is feeling that tenfold because ultimately, it will be her body that goes through a pregnancy or an abortion. She will deal with that in addition to the emotional and psychological effects you’ll both feel. So men here is how to handle the abortion talk. [caption id="attachment_607152" align="alignleft" width="420"] Corbis[/caption]

Resist “Me” “My” and “I” talk

Resist the urge to say things like, “How could this happen to me?”, “This will ruin my life” and “I can’t handle this.” This will leave your partner feeling entirely alone, and like you think she did something to you. She is going through this too, you know.     [caption id="attachment_695506" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Don’t be the one to bring it up

You just can’t be the one who initially suggests your partner go through something as invasive and emotionally disruptive as an abortion. She must be the one to bring it up; then you can talk about it. Just imagine how you’d feel if your partner brought up you having a vasectomy. [caption id="attachment_696788" align="alignleft" width="416"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Don’t jump on it when she does

Even if you were hoping your partner would go this route, do not eagerly jump on the idea of the abortion when she brings it up. Right now, your partner needs to feel that you want to be close to her, and on her team. If you spring into action at the thought of her going through something as traumatic as an abortion, she will feel that you aren’t being at all empathetic to what her experience will be. [caption id="attachment_612659" align="alignleft" width="431"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Don’t make assumptions

Do not say things like, “Well we’re not keeping it” or “Well we’re not getting rid of it.” Your partner hasn’t even said she plans on doing either of those things yet. And another thing: neither one of you just gets to instruct the other on how this is going down. This is an open discussion.   [caption id="attachment_717419" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Remember she is scared

Choose your every word, action and facial expression with the thought in mind that your partner is terrified right now. She may not be ready to handle some harsher realities and reminders at this moment. Tread lightly.       [caption id="attachment_621384" align="alignleft" width="500"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Remember abortion is a big deal

Even if you and your partner are pro-choice, do not speak to your partner about abortion brashly. You should talk about it with the gravity that it deserves; she isn’t booking an appointment for a manicure. [caption id="attachment_709038" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Don’t point fingers

“Did you remember to take your pill?” “Are you sure those condoms you bought weren’t expired?” and similar statements are not helpful right now. You both decided to engage in sexual intercourse so—guess what?—you both decided to take the risk of a pregnancy.   [caption id="attachment_704623" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Or feel guilty

You also shouldn’t become a martyr in this moment, groaning on about how this is all your fault. Your partner cannot tend to your guilt and her fear right now.           [caption id="attachment_618712" align="alignleft" width="630"] Corbis Images[/caption]

Be as delicate as possible

If you can, say every sentence as if it’s a question. Be as ginger as possible. The chances are, it will be a few days before your partner can calm down and think with a clear head about the situation. There’s no need to be extremely assertive in this initial conversation. [caption id="attachment_701208" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Think about where you are as a couple

You need to consider where you are as a couple, and your response to all of this should correlate with that in some way. In other words, if you’re a financially stable couple who has been happily living together for three years, you cannot react to this as if your girlfriend of two months is pregnant. [caption id="attachment_700887" align="alignleft" width="421"] Shutterstock[/caption]

You can’t become distant now

You want to talk about being a man? Looking brave when you’re terrified? Remaining grounded when you feel dizzy? Now’s the time to show you can do that. Now is not the time to disappear to a bar or a friend’s house.   [caption id="attachment_613832" align="alignleft" width="500"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Be familiar with the statistics

Every year in America, around 1.7 percent of all women between the ages of 15 and 44 have an abortion. There is a good chance someone in your life, if not several people, have had abortions and just not told you about them. That’s something to keep in mind before you start with thoughts of, “This isn’t fair” and “We are all alone in this.”

Keep the information private

Do not insist that your partner calls her mother or her best friend or her therapist. If she wants to keep this between the two of you, she can. If you want to talk to a friend or family member about it, you should just consult your partner about that first. [caption id="attachment_719371" align="alignleft" width="420"] Image Source: Shutterstock[/caption]

Don’t insist she take more tests

She wouldn’t have come to you with this life-altering news if she wasn’t certain. Don’t insult her intelligence by suggestion she’s wrong.         [caption id="attachment_708003" align="alignleft" width="420"] Shutterstock[/caption]

Remember, you’re in this together

If you take anything with you from this article, it should be this: you are in this together. This is happening to both of you, and you both created this situation. Now, more than ever, you should be united and make sure you listen to each other and empathize as much as you can.

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